Growing up and learning more about the way the world works really sucks sometimes. But I hope in the end it only makes me stronger.

More and more I've come to realize that I am my own best friend. Me. No one else. I've invested so much time depending on other people to make me happy and to make things okay when I know that I am the only one that can do that for myself. And too many times now when I've trusted someone enough with my happiness they've fucked it up. Everyone is living this life for themselves. It's time I start doing the same.

Right before everything with my dad happened, I thought 'Wow this is awful but at least everyone will try to make it better.' And I pictured people going out of their way to try to make something so painful bearable. Some people did. Some didn't even give it a second thought. Some tried, but nothing really eases this type of pain. It hurts to know that even when something like this happens, you're ultimately alone. I can think of a handful of people right now that I can truly trust with my love. But even still, everyone's busy with their own lives trying to make themselves happy for the moment.

It sounds pessmistic but it's the truth. Behhh

Hmm..

I woke up this morning stressing about my future.

I'm a senior in high school. Every time I heard about a senior in high school when I was younger I would picture them a certain way. I would picture them relieved to be nearly done with high school, excited for a new beginning, confident because they had a sense of direction....

And I realized I'm not any of those things.

I can't be relieved yet. I realized that this morning. I still have so much to do. I have to do my graduation project, for goodness sakes. I have to apply to colleges, and get financial aid, and retake the SATs and figure out what I want to do with my life.

Am I excited for a new beginning? Yeah, of course, in a way I am. But I always pictured "college" as moving away...living in the dorms..being young and independent. And since that's not an option for me college just seems like a higher level of high school to me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I want to pack up and leave everything here...no, I love what I have here, I do. But not being given that option...having to look only at schools that I can commute to...well, it definitely takes some of the excitement out.

Sense of direction? I guess I have some. I'm still thinking about psychology or dentistry or something. I want to fall in love with a career and get some support from my family on it though, you know.

And then I thought (to make myself feel better) I don't WANT to go to college. No one asked me, "hey Irene, do you want to go to college or would you rather do something else after high school? " No, it was just assumed that I would go. Well, maybe I won't. I could get into something that makes big bucks....lots of successful people never went to college, you know.

But then it's like, that's such a chance to take. And if I happen to fall into a career where I'm making decent money to live by I guess it could be okay. But that's where I'm stuck. I don't have a college degree to find another job and move up. I don't have anything to show for myself, or a life that I dreamed of.  My sister is a pharmacist....she gets to spend all the time in the world with her family and give them all that they want. Elina is a radiologist....she works hard but has a lot to show for it.  And I'm just getting by... because in my high school years I couldn't get my act together and do well and find a career and get into a good college and get a specialty.

I must have had a bad dream or something...but that's what I woke up thinking about.

Hmm..

I woke up this morning stressing about my future.

I'm a senior in high school. Every time I heard about a senior in high school when I was younger I would picture them a certain way. I would picture them relieved to be nearly done with high school, excited for a new beginning, confident because they had a sense of direction....

And I realized I'm not any of those things.

I can't be relieved yet. I realized that this morning. I still have so much to do. I have to do my graduation project, for goodness sakes. I have to apply to colleges, and get financial aid, and retake the SATs and figure out what I want to do with my life.

Am I excited for a new beginning? Yeah, of course, in a way I am. But I always pictured "college" as moving away...living in the dorms..being young and independent. And since that's not an option for me college just seems like a higher level of high school to me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I want to pack up and leave everything here...no, I love what I have here, I do. But not being given that option...having to look only at schools that I can commute to...well, it definitely takes some of the excitement out.

Sense of direction? I guess I have some. I'm still thinking about psychology or dentistry or something. I want to fall in love with a career and get some support from my family on it though, you know.

And then I thought (to make myself feel better) I don't WANT to go to college. No one asked me, "hey Irene, do you want to go to college or would you rather do something else after high school? " No, it was just assumed that I would go. Well, maybe I won't. I could get into something that makes big bucks....lots of successful people never went to college, you know.

But then it's like, that's such a chance to take. And if I happen to fall into a career where I'm making decent money to live by I guess it could be okay. But that's where I'm stuck. I don't have a college degree to find another job and move up. I don't have anything to show for myself, or a life that I dreamed of.  My sister is a pharmacist....she gets to spend all the time in the world with her family and give them all that they want. Elina is a radiologist....she works hard but has a lot to show for it.  And I'm just getting by... because in my high school years I couldn't get my act together and do well and find a career and get into a good college and get a specialty.

I must have had a bad dream or something...but that's what I woke up thinking about.

Summer, bitches.

It's been a good one....so far.

I went to North Carolina, it was amazing!! Always fun with Marisa...

I finally got a job! It's really not so bad, I'm getting used to it I think.....

I purchased a fish with my boo...Landon is wonderfullllllllllll.

I had a greeeeeat birthday thanks to my awesome friends, family and boyfriend....

Overall, I think this summer's been pretty great. I wish it never had to end.

The shore was so much fun=)

The beach was great....the pool was warm...the hot tub was ooooooh wonderful...Caleb was amazing as ever....and his shoulder was muy muy comfortable.

Looking forward to more trips to the beach!

Marisa, could you comment this for me? Kthanks.